Sexytay's Blog

It is official, we had our best day as a blog, and I wanted to give another shout out to Craig for doing some advertising, and for of course the people who desire nothing more than to make this the greatest blog on the internet. But having said that, with the multitudes of new readers, comes new responsibilities to be even more creative and continue to be even more edgy and bring up more random thoughts and ideas, and more insights into the mind that is Taylor Erlbaum. And while I am sure most people would crack under this pressure, I promise to continue the high quality that has made this the hottest blog. Sometimes I wish this blog had started off terrible to lower everyone’s expectations, with terrible post after terrible post, until finally I have one mediocre post that is so much better than my other posts that I become famous and win an oscar. Oh wait, I think I am confusing my made up scenario with Sandra Bullock’s career.

So I finally watched the Blind Side. Lana gave me the great idea that I should watch it and really find out for myself if Sandra Bullock did or did not deserve that oscar. And I obliged, with Melody, at a 3 dollar theatre. (Lucky Her) Now, I realize I had some biases that I needed to set aside to be as fair as possible, but that’s not easy. It would be like meeting a USC student and not assuming they believe they are entitled to everything and we are just peasants in their own world. Anyway, I watched it and they came out strong by showing highlights of Lawrence Taylor, the exact person I was named after. But I didn’t blink, and I came away saying to myself I really enjoyed this movie, and my Aunt Sara could have done a better job. Now some people are going to think that is pretty mean, but in fairness my Aunt has never acted before so I didn’t mean to insult her so bad, I just felt the character Ms. Bullock played would have been perfect for her. And honestly, I’ll admit that she wasn’t terrible in the movie, but I came away thinking that if the story had been different then no way she would have won the Oscar. I felt because of the character she played she won, more than on her acting skills, and if anyone wants to debate me, I have much more to say on the movie as a whole, but then this run on sentence would never come to an end.

I would like to make a bold prediction that the next Sandra Bullock movie is going to be a complete dud, because if we were to have a fantasy draft for Hollywood actors and actresses, I would have her ranked just below Keanu Reeves.

-I hope Miley Cyrus has gone through puberty, or she is going to have a deeper voice than James Earl Jones.

-There was a story about how fatty foods might be addictive. Good read and felt it was pretty informative. But one thing that gets me is that every news source has a different headline, and my personal favorite went something like this “addiction to fatty foods might be clue to obesity.” Interesting. After all these years, it seems that eating to many fatty foods is the reason why we are getting larger. But maybe I am jumping the gun, because the article suggests it might be the hidden clue to unlock the hidden mysteries of obesity. I wonder what causes it? Just imagine Horace and Berverly (names that are only occupied by fat people and of whom I don’t have any friends with that name ethier) reading this article, and realizing that if they had only done this research sooner, they might have led healthier more productive lives.

-Lastly, some guys have been thanking me for the advice I gave them, but had one more question I wanted to address here. They asked, “Taylor you are so wise, but if my girlfriend or significant other asks me if I look fat, how do I respond?” To which I must say is not an easy response, so make sure you read carefully, as to not mess this up. First, never answer the question. You never want to go on the record for anything so she can’t use it for later, because even if you say she is the skinniest girl you know, she will find a way to use it against you later. Trust me. And some of you are thinking who cares, my girlfriend is 105 pounds, so even if I said she’s fat it won’t matter. But you would be wrong. This is because while woman want to achieve a beauty that society defines, the way the decide whether they are fat or not is based on what they looked like the month or two months before. So if she goes from 110 to 115, she is not going to take too kindly about you saying she’s fat, even though she’s not, because she might secretly be so upset with herself for gaining 5 pounds, and you have just thrown yourself in a 5  mile grave for noticing.

So the thing to do, is to give this answer. And it works really well for self-centered, egotistical, shallow guys who only care about looks, but I am pretty sure that describes all guys so we are good there. So I just say, “Are you serious, look I don’t want you to think I am a jerk, but I would never date a fat girl, so if you were fat I’d break up with you.” I’ll let that sink in. So the girl is going to respond with “wow, you are so full of yourself, like you think you’re too good for me that YOU could break up with me.” And that’s when you know you have her. She took the bait, and you are in the clear, because now she’s not thinking about if she is fat or not, but instead she can’t believe a guy she is too good for would have the audacity to say they would break up with her, when she knows that guy could never get a girl as pretty as she is. She has forgotten her insecurity, you have boosted her self-esteem, and you have avoided having to answer if she is fat or not. Also, she is then going to call her friends and make fun of you for saying that. This is great. Because nothing is better then letting your girlfriend feel she is superior in the relationship, when all along you have been orchestrating everything like a puppet master. Remember, even if your girlfriend is insecure, even in that insecurity, never does she think that you are smarter, prettier, or better than her, so feed into that, and you will have a successful relationship.

Sometimes I feel selfish. I have all of this knowledge about women, but I rarely share it. Remember, I took a women studies class in college, so trust me, I am an expert. When talking to Craig today, he inspired me to come up with a top 5 list of red flags for the guys to know when that girl you might think is cute,  is just not the girl for you. And I know there are many more, but lets keep it simple.

1. SHE WEARS CROCS- Lets be honest, crocs are up there with one of the worst fads of all time. I put them in the same category as the macarena and the XFL with things that we could have done with out. Someone might suggest the song “Who let the dogs out,” but actually that song was good, it just got out played, and there were too many stupid jokes that no one could find out just “who” let the dogs out. But back to crocs. One of the biggest problems with men is we struggle to dress ourselves. And the smarter you are, the more clueless you are. If the girl you like wears crocs, it is a clear sign she has no sense of stlye, and in fact will only make you look uglier. If shoes have holes in them on purpose and are plastic or a weak rubber, then they better be for barbie or grandma. The minute crocs disappear would be a great moment in the history of the world. Girls that wear crocs = red flag.

2. SHE LIKES THE LAKERS- This one is easy. You know you are a true fan if every single fan disappeared and you were the only fan on earth, you would still root for them. (Bills fans!) If the girl likes the Lakers it means she can’t think for herself. I’ve never met a Laker fan who said they became a Laker fan because they liked the team. No, they see their friends post a status on facebook about the Lakers, then they think Trevor Ariza and Luke Walton and Shannon Brown are the cutest men they know and they become fans. This is the girl that does something because everyone tells her so, and when he friends start making fun of you because you’re too cheap and lazy to wait in line at Pinkberry or Sprinkles, you can say good-bye to your relationship. Sidenote: it takes a special kind of guy to wait in line 45 minutes with his girlfriend for a cupcake, a cupcake…

3. LONG FINGERNAILS- High maintenance. Run. Rule of thumb, if she can cut you without a weapon, you better not date her, because when you accidentally call her fat, you won’t have a face. And every guy accidentally makes an innapropriate comment about their girlfriend’s weight, its inevitable. Except me, because Melody is perfect.

4. SHE HAS A CAT- This one was tough. But if a girl has a cat, it is safe to assume if you date her, you are going to have your hands full. Girls who have cats expect to be loved more than girls who don’t. It is a fact, no an opinion, but a fact. Show me the most down to earth girl with a cat, and I’ll show you a season ticket holder to the Phoenix Mercury. Don’t know who the Phoenix Mercury are, point proven. Also for  guys who like sports, I feel like there is a barrier that is harder to break with a cat woman that if a person doesn’t like sports. Like if you don’t like sports, I can see you falling in love with a woman with a cat, because you won’t want to kill the cat every time it won’t leave you alone when “the game” is on and your team is not winning. Cat girls and sports men go together like Joy and Jessica Simpson’s music, reason and the republican party, or good decisions and Lindsey Lohan’s career. Sidenote: Doesn’t Lindsey Lohan’s career remind you of the beginning of Cool Runnings when they are running the 100 meters to go the Olympics, and they look like they are going to win, and then that one guy trips them up and they end up taking up bobsleds. What happened to her. Anyway, cats are trouble, and small dogs that fit in purses, I don’t even want to get started.

5. SHE WOULD RATHER WATCH THE BASKETBALL GAME ON TV THAN A ROMANTIC DINNER- This is the worst and the most dangerous girl. Because she isn’t in to you, but is instead a spy. No woman on earth would pass up a romantic dinner to watch the game on TV, none. And if she is serious, then she should be expected to pay for all meals and be the protector in the relationship, because if she is to be trusted, she needs to prove herself. Look I know woman can be persuasive, but if she says, lets just stay in and I’ll make steaks and make an avocado dip, then you better hang up and run as fast as you can, because your life is in danger.

Big time shout out to Greg and his family for getting us into Club 33 at Disneyland. If you don’t know what that is, look it up.

I saw an article that vegetarian activists were getting more in your face and mad in order to promote vegetarianism. I would be scared, but i realized im not a block of lettuce.

Something to do with your friends. When they answer your question with a “K” which is short hand for “ok,” then reply back with a kk, then make it known that you have won the competition because you have the most K’s. I gurantee you that the person won’t reply back with a “kkk” because they think typing that make them racist, which it does not but instead will ethier say you’re dumb or will reply back with 4 k’s with a response I doubled you in order to try to cover up the fact they were too chicken to do the 3 k’s. And if they do the 3 k’s and make a joke that they are racist and what are you going to do about it, then they are dumb.

Today at dinner grandpa said he needs a stripper to fix the computer. He meant an anti-virus device. I found his explanation quite ironic.

So I really haven’t had much desire to blog lately. I think when I get lazy the last thing I want to do is blog. But I am really excited for March Madness to start, and this year even though I haven’t picked my bracket yet, it looks like Kansas is my team, because they are really good, and every time I try to pick a mediocre team to win it all, it never happens. But we will see.

Anyway before I announce the big news, I wanted to say that if Beach Girl 5 ever becomes popular, I am going to move to Europe.

So after months and months of insecurity over not being able to walk without limping, my wart has finally DISAPPEARED!!!!!!!!!! I don’t even care if I spelled that wrong. And this Saturday I get to go to Disneyland and not worry about the wart, which is a million times awesome, but if Justin Bieber is singing his concert that day, I would trade my wart back to not have to endure that. After a trip to Chinese herbalist, 5 different salyitic acid patches, foot creams, wearing a banana peel, a phone call to get a quote from a podiatrist, and “the picture” it is finally gone. Now, I am really scared it is going to come back, but my Grammy’s place is much cleaner than Ken’s place, so relapse has to be less likely. It feels so weird to be strong in my right foot, and now that my wart is gone, my mood is much, much better.

I also went to a bowling alley where the happy hour made games drop from $8 a game to $6 a game, and I must say that bowling alleys like that should be torn down. They are stealing our money, and because the place looks nice, they are being successful. It makes my heart sick.

My mom took a picture of Melody and me and the camera setting said that Melody must have blinked, so we could take a new picture…she didn’t…

Cal Bears 84 Louisville 71

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It is official, I decided that since I was too slow getting a twitter, and now I don’t want one because I hate being a bandwagon guy, I thought I would get the new big time website Formspring where they just ask you questions randomly and you answer them. I can’t wait to impart wisdom on anyone who is willing to better themselves.

-Late fees are back at blockbuster, but is Blockbuster going to tell anyone?

-50 girls got salmonella from kissing frogs. And while they didn’t say if the movie Princess and the Frog had any effect on these new developments,  I am pretty sure there’s a correlation.

-Is it possible to not be condescending when correcting someone on spelling. I can’t think of a time where I have been corrected where I felt thankful for the person who corrected me. I feel like if it is not important who cares. The spelling police is the 2nd most annoying police just after the pronunciation police. I used to hate it when in class every time the slow reader miss pronounced a word, the perfect kid had to always correct them. I mean, no one can read every word perfect, it is impossible, and nothing makes you more insecure than coming to a word you don’t know how to pronounce because you’re afraid everyone is going to think you’re dumb. So you either just stop and make a joke like no way I can pronounce that, because you have too much pride to mispronounce the word, or you make up a ridiculous pronunciation to make people laugh to deflect the real issue that you were too scared to mispronounce the word and feel dumb. I think society needs to do a better job accepting the fact that we aren’t going to get every word said correctly, and that if someone messes up, then just let it go. I remember in 6th grade when everyone made fun of me because I couldn’t say the word Constantinople. I don’t know what I couldn’t, but I didn’t make any excuses, I admitted my speech impediment, and because of that the whole 6th grade history class fell in love with me. (Especially the girls, I am serious) So in conclusion, speech and spelling police can stop being so arrogant and annoying and learn to make friends and be more accepting. Trust me, if you compliment the person for a work well done, instead of pointing out every mistake they make, you’ll make more friends and no one will talk behind your back. And just so no one gets confused, the grammar police is acceptable, but only if the person is a serial grammar felon.

-So this morning was quite the morning. For the record I just want to say that I am so afraid of spiders. Like I am as afraid of spiders as Republicans are afraid of reason and a sense of humor. But anyway, this morning I was journaling on my bed when I saw a spider run into my pillow case. I freaked out. Like the scariest part of spiders is the moment you realize you just saw one. Like the shock, the racing heart, and the panic that you have nothing to kill it with are unbearable and make you do stupid things. So I saw it run into the pillow case, and I was like take a deep breath, just stay calm, you’re 24 years old and it is the size of a nickel, you can do this. So I peeked in to see it starting to come out, so another panicked state of not knowing if it was coming in or not, all to come to a point where I lost contact of where it could be. At this point, there is a feeling of where I am going to sleep tonight, and if I don’t find it, I am going to go crazy. So I had some options, look inside the pillow case to see if it was there or wake up Grammy, or just get a shoe and go to town. So I decided to pull all the sheets back and put the pillow in the middle of the bed and jump 30 times on it. If the spider was in there, it was dead, I made sure of it.  I was too scared to look insider, so I went crazy and jumped on the pillow. I don’t know if it was in there, but I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. So I realized I had to go to work, so I didn’t want to go, but I thought, Taylor you’re too weak for this anyway, so I took the mini white board and wrote a note to my Grammy on what happened. I said, Grammy, there’s a runaway spider somewhere by my bed, if you and Grandpa want to go spider hunting when I am at work, you would be my heroes. PS. I jumped on the pillow, so it might be dead in there. So when I got home today, Grammy said no sign of the spider, but she did change the sheets, changed everything, and threw away my disgusting pillow because it might have dust mites in them. Who knew? So all I can think about tonight is how scared I am going to be, and I just hope I find Mr. SPider and kill him before he kills me.

Sidenote: why do I always think spiders are out to get me when I see them. I mean, what if spiders are happy and just love running around and want nothing to do with me. I don’t know why I think they want to kill me, bite me, and make my life miserable, but I think my fellow spider fearers can realte to me on that.

-Lastly shout out to Lana Choi for sending those bomb snickerdoodles, they were amazing.

So I tried to think of if I had any famous friends, like close friends, not just people I know, and I came to the conclusion I do not. While I think Kenny Yu and Melissa Dang are by far the best singers I have ever heard that I know, after going to Joyce Kwon’s concert last night it is clear she is going to be famous. And if she isn’t then I will name my first born daughter after her and she will become famous for Joyce. I don’t know much about Jazz music, but I do know that Joyce has improved so much from college to now, and that if she ends up on pandora in a few years, I won’t be surprised. With a perfect blend of beautiful music, stand up comedy, and a shout out to me, it is clear that Joyce brings all the tools necessary to wow the Jazz world. And I hope she wins a Grammy in the future, if jazz has a Grammy category.

-I think the should make a rule where if you are dating, that you are not allowed to post more than one time per month on your significant other’s profile page. VDA (verbal displays of affection) on facebook is as awkward for your friends as PDA when your out at the movies. One thing that I really like about Melody is that she never posts on my wall, and if I post on hers she calls me an idiot and keeps me in check. She is not going to post back because she knows it is disrespectful to our friends who don’t need to be exposed to that, because if Melody was posting on my wall 4 times a day, then we would be “that couple” and no one wants to be “that couple.” It is comparable to the kid in class who never stops raising their hand at every question, trust me, you don’t want to be that kid.

Side note, Melody mentions she gets socially anxious when people post on her wall, because then she HAS to post something back, and she hates that feeling, so I say if everyone gets a chance to post a question on her wall to make her have to respond to you, because it would teach her a lesson on being able to deal with others.

-This is my new favorite quote: “Republicans and Democrats have very different interpretations of what the American people want.”

-I lay on my arm on purpose to make it fall asleep so i can get that feeling of having it come back to life. Not the foot though, thats too painful.

-I have taken up the task of doing everything in my power to get in Lamehoo, I think that is what it is. But it is just a website of the dumbest yahoo answer questions, and I personally think if I think long enough, I can conjure up some of the dumbest questions ever and accomplish the goal of getting on the list. And of course I will be posting under the name Sexytay so everyone will know it is me. My first question: If me and my wife are not black is it possible I am still the father if the child is black?

-I think the most irritating thing for me lately has been when the computer freezes and I have to either restart or get the task manager up to get the programs closed to start over. I don’t even know why I get so irritated, but I just do, and it has to be in the top 5 most irritating things that happen, that when you think about later, you think to yourself, I shouldn’t have been so mad.

-Licorice, M&M’s, Gummi Bears, and Gummi Worms are the candies we always underestimate how much we can eat after our first grab.

I don’t have much time before the new show starts, but I wanted to make sure I made my prediction for the best new show on TV about to hit the airwaves. And I know I have a pretty big man crush on Jerry Seinfeld, but I just want the world to know that this show is going to be the new big hit, and to jump on the bandwagon early. I feel like I was pretty spot on with Community,  so my track record is good. So Marriage Ref, I am blindly recommending you so don’t let me down. And I also want everyone to know that if you haven’t jumped on the Modern Family bandwagon yet, if by the end of the season you haven’t done so, then don’t bother jumping on, because it is going to be obvious to everyone that peer pressure was the only  reason you say you like it. But Modern Family is the real deal, and the only show on ABC I will ever watch. CBS and FOX should think about starting a watchable show, because their current lineups are not cutting it. (How I met your mother, Glee, American Idol- I am looking at you)

- Does the dad of Tiana from Princess of the Frog look like an offspring of Obama and Tiger Woods, or is that just me?

-Sometimes you get a friend request on facebook, you add that person even though you are not best friends, and you realize they post status updates every 2 hours that make no sense and pictures that make no sense. I delete those friends.