Girl Advice

March 27, 2010, 1:35 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Sometimes I feel selfish. I have all of this knowledge about women, but I rarely share it. Remember, I took a women studies class in college, so trust me, I am an expert. When talking to Craig today, he inspired me to come up with a top 5 list of red flags for the guys to know when that girl you might think is cute, is just not the girl for you. And I know there are many more, but lets keep it simple.

1. SHE WEARS CROCS- Lets be honest, crocs are up there with one of the worst fads of all time. I put them in the same category as the macarena and the XFL with things that we could have done with out. Someone might suggest the song “Who let the dogs out,” but actually that song was good, it just got out played, and there were too many stupid jokes that no one could find out just “who” let the dogs out. But back to crocs. One of the biggest problems with men is we struggle to dress ourselves. And the smarter you are, the more clueless you are. If the girl you like wears crocs, it is a clear sign she has no sense of stlye, and in fact will only make you look uglier. If shoes have holes in them on purpose and are plastic or a weak rubber, then they better be for barbie or grandma. The minute crocs disappear would be a great moment in the history of the world. Girls that wear crocs = red flag.

2. SHE LIKES THE LAKERS- This one is easy. You know you are a true fan if every single fan disappeared and you were the only fan on earth, you would still root for them. (Bills fans!) If the girl likes the Lakers it means she can’t think for herself. I’ve never met a Laker fan who said they became a Laker fan because they liked the team. No, they see their friends post a status on facebook about the Lakers, then they think Trevor Ariza and Luke Walton and Shannon Brown are the cutest men they know and they become fans. This is the girl that does something because everyone tells her so, and when he friends start making fun of you because you’re too cheap and lazy to wait in line at Pinkberry or Sprinkles, you can say good-bye to your relationship. Sidenote: it takes a special kind of guy to wait in line 45 minutes with his girlfriend for a cupcake, a cupcake…

3. LONG FINGERNAILS- High maintenance. Run. Rule of thumb, if she can cut you without a weapon, you better not date her, because when you accidentally call her fat, you won’t have a face. And every guy accidentally makes an innapropriate comment about their girlfriend’s weight, its inevitable. Except me, because Melody is perfect.

4. SHE HAS A CAT- This one was tough. But if a girl has a cat, it is safe to assume if you date her, you are going to have your hands full. Girls who have cats expect to be loved more than girls who don’t. It is a fact, no an opinion, but a fact. Show me the most down to earth girl with a cat, and I’ll show you a season ticket holder to the Phoenix Mercury. Don’t know who the Phoenix Mercury are, point proven. Also for guys who like sports, I feel like there is a barrier that is harder to break with a cat woman that if a person doesn’t like sports. Like if you don’t like sports, I can see you falling in love with a woman with a cat, because you won’t want to kill the cat every time it won’t leave you alone when “the game” is on and your team is not winning. Cat girls and sports men go together like Joy and Jessica Simpson’s music, reason and the republican party, or good decisions and Lindsey Lohan’s career. Sidenote: Doesn’t Lindsey Lohan’s career remind you of the beginning of Cool Runnings when they are running the 100 meters to go the Olympics, and they look like they are going to win, and then that one guy trips them up and they end up taking up bobsleds. What happened to her. Anyway, cats are trouble, and small dogs that fit in purses, I don’t even want to get started.

5. SHE WOULD RATHER WATCH THE BASKETBALL GAME ON TV THAN A ROMANTIC DINNER- This is the worst and the most dangerous girl. Because she isn’t in to you, but is instead a spy. No woman on earth would pass up a romantic dinner to watch the game on TV, none. And if she is serious, then she should be expected to pay for all meals and be the protector in the relationship, because if she is to be trusted, she needs to prove herself. Look I know woman can be persuasive, but if she says, lets just stay in and I’ll make steaks and make an avocado dip, then you better hang up and run as fast as you can, because your life is in danger.