Sexytay's Blog


TVs at 24 Hour Fitness
October 17, 2013, 12:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I know it has been awhile since we were able to blog. But every once in awhile a situation happens that can hold us back no longer and something needs to be said. That situation happened yesterday but it had been building for some time and now things just need to be said. And that is the TV situation at 24 hours for those of us who love to elliptical.

Yesterday I walk in and start getting into a rhythm when I look up and notice of the 4 TVs 2 are Big Bang Theory and the other two are CNN. Now, I was already upset I missed the Dodger game and couldn’t watch it, but there was an ALCS game going on between the Tigers and Red Sox, and we are all watching the CNN ticker and trying to understand what is happening on a muted Big Bang Theory. And trust me no one is listening to the show, I can tell that no one has attached their headphones into the running devices. So I ask the guy, hey maybe one screen, can we try to put the game on, I mean its the ALCS and we are watching depressed people vote to open the government ( Aww does that mean we have to work now) and TWO SCREENS ARE SITCOMS WITH NO SOUND. Sidenote: no one at the gym likes Big Bang Theory, because they all already woke up and did yoga or pilates at 6AM before work, because that’s their audience. No one is sitting at home going I should go to the gym and catch up on old re-runs of TV shows to get back into shape. No, those are the fat people on the couch not at the gym. And no one watches CNN at home, why would they watch it at the gym. Sure CNN is better without the sound, but this isn’t an international airport, put the game on! But the worst is when the guy asked the Indian woman who never stops smiling, going 30 strides per minute waiting for her husband to stop checking himself out in the mirror doing random stretches if it’s ok to change the channel to the game. As if the silent episode of Wolf Blitzer was all she cared about and one channel change would set her off into a rage. I don’t even know if she said anything before he changed it, but when the score was 6-0 Tigers and I thought to myself what a waste of time…

Other gym thoughts: – I wonder if people would go to the gym if there weren’t any mirrors.

– I love seeing how long it takes to get from the Jay-Z pandora station to start playing Christian songs. It can take a few days, or many sessions, but if you dislike or like enough songs it is possible. And you know you’re half way there when you start getting Bruno Mars songs every other song.

-Don’t bring kids to the gym, it’s scary.

– I walked an extra half-mile to get a gift card for our boss because I wouldn’t just walk into a Walgreens. Some grudges never end.

 



Dear Monsanto
June 4, 2013, 11:22 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Monsanto,

 My name is Taylor Erlbaum and I wanted to write this email as an encouragement and with an amazing idea I believe could revolutionize the agriculture business. I thought about getting a patent for my idea, but I realized any patent I get would be probably be nullified and exposed by your A list team of lawyers, so instead of going through all that trouble I thought, Hey, why not just give the idea to Monsanto and just live with the satisfaction of knowing I made the world a better place instead of the billions I could receive.

 First off, don’t let the labelers or those crazy people who want to know everything in their genertically modified food get you down. My motto is if you are scared about what’s in your food because you don’t know the ingredients then just move to Europe or become a vegan. Love the commercial you have out in the Bay Area letting everyone know to get government out, eliminate the red tape and just educate yourself if you are so worried, because honestly that’s how I feel. We live in this Kardashian world where people get famous for nothing and are too lazy to be talented to get famous or too lazy to learn about what they are eating, so they want to make the successful people have to do all the work, while they just sit back and do nothing. Maybe that’s why congress does nothing, because they represent their constituents. Heyo!! But seriously, pretty soon Monsanto is going to have to not only label what’s in the food but also teach people how to read, because not only are they too lazy to educate themselves but too lazy to learn how to read too. What an outrage. Just want you to know I voted no on Prop 37 in CA this year, or last year, and I am so glad it didn’t pass.

 Anyway, the purpose of this email was to give you my revolutionary idea, and so here it is. I am not sure if you are familiar with Coors light beer, but they have the Rocky mountains on their cans. Recently in the last few years they made the can turn blue in the mountains to let us know the beer was cold. Finally a way to know when the beer is ready to be opened up and guzzled down. Well, I was thinking since most of my fruit has stickers on it, why not have the stickers turn to a brilliant red color to let me know when a fruit is at its peak ripeness and ready to be eaten. The sticker can fluctuate colors like a mood ring to let me know if it still needs time to ripen, if its just right, or if its over the hill. Not only that, but this color scheme could let me know if I buy a fruit or vegetable how long I will have before it goes bad and I should have eaten it already or bought less fruit. I am not sure, or maybe I should give the benefit of the doubt, but do you know how frustating it is to buy 4 green bananas only to have 2 of them turn brown in 2 days and become mushy and uneatable to a banana snob like myself. But if I had a sticker that could have warned me and set proper expectations, then I believe this could have been avoided. And you may be thinking I would assume most people can tell with experience whether a fruit is ripe or not and when it should be eaten. Well, you would think most people would know when a beer is cold too, but I still can’t stop staring at those mountains to see when they will turn blue and whether or not they are blue enough to begin drinking or if patience should be undertaken.

 Monsanto’s Mood Ring Ripe Stickers; letting you know when your fruit is ready one sticker at a time. Think of the marketing opportunities!! And it gets my mind off of labeling and towards the brilliance and innovation from the agriculture business. Now, I have a nice job, but if there is an open position in the marketing department I would love to be a part of your wonderful team.

 Thanks so much for reading this email, I appreciate if you gave the chance to read the whole thing.

 PS Me and my wife bought a dwarf pear tree from Costco this weekend. We named it Tyler Perry. We did this so when our friends come over we can see Tyler Perry presents pears. I am not sure that has anything to do with what I just wrote, but I just love puns and wanted to share with you.

Thanks again,

Taylor Erlbaum



Goodbye Warriors
May 24, 2013, 12:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

If you are that girl who just can’t seem to lose weight no matter how hard you try, then I suggest going to where triathlons are held and becoming a groupie and eventually dating one of the participants. Then not only can you lose weight “training with your boyfriend” but you can also be one of those people who make everyone feel guilty for not getting enough exercise in their life, and we could all use more friends like that in our lives.

Finally our boxes are out of the house and we are so close to being able to live normally again. 5 days in a row cooking from home for dinner and I can already feel like I lost 10 pounds.

I need a dentist. Maybe Laura can clean my teeth, but only for free.

Bay Area sports fans can be worse than LA fans. I go back and forth, but the inability for a SF bar to show a Sharks game because all ten TVs had to be Warriors is embarrassing and would never fly in real sports cities like New York or Boston. I am thankful the Warriors lost because Warriors fans just so I can go to a restaurant and see another sporting event on TV besides the Warriors. It is no wonder the Sharks do so poorly in the playoffs every year, it is because they have a fan base that is non-existent outside of San Jose and a whole region unaware that there are more exciting things on TV than watching the Warriors blow another 30 point lead. Go Kings Go.

Melody thinks I look like Little Foot from Land Before Time. I am not sure if that is a compliment or a put down, I am just glad she didn’t say I looked like Sara because that would have def been a put down. And it’s funny how all the characters have really funny names except for one named Sara. If I have kids I want to have 4 crazy names and have one be normal just so every time I am with people they can ask them what is wrong with their parents.

We named our tomato plant Rosetta Stone. I want to have a daughter and name her that.

I think I broke my foot when Tiffany Yang dropped some wood on it. It went from painful to red to black and blue two days later. Good thing online says it will heal on its own, because I don’t want to see a doctor.

I was able to roll up a sleeping bag and place it in the case on my first try. This is a really big deal.



The Unthinkable
May 6, 2013, 11:12 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

There is a moment when nothing goes right. Everything frustrates you. You hit every red light. Drop your pen two times in a row. Make a funny facebook status that only gets two likes and one of them is yours, followed by a comment that gets more likes than your status. Burn your finger on the pan you forgot was hot. Stub your toe. Those moments are nothing compared to that moment when you realize your one year supply of toilet paper has run out. At first, it is a state of you just forgot which cabinets you threw it in because it all didn’t fit underneath the sink. Then it turns to frustration as the places  you have checked multiple times still isn’t turning out those rolls you know are in there. Then comes that state of denial where you just can’t believe this day has come, that this moment is real. You buy 100 rolls of toilet paper so you never have to buy them again. It is supposed to last you forever, but when you realize it doesn’t nothing can prepare you for that day or that moment. Paper towels go fast, that is a given, but toilet paper… toilet paper is different. 2 months ago, this happened to . I searched every closet, every cabinet, every crevice to no avail. The realization we would have to go buy more toilet paper has been a tough pill to swallow, but now that our new place seems to be coming, that day is coming. We will buy toilet paper again, and I just hope it doesn’t happen again soon.



It has been awhile
May 1, 2013, 9:27 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am currently sitting in the Cupertino LIbrary. They have a fish tank. If Los Angeles were serious about the future of their children and the state of education in LA County, then there would be a fish tank in every library. Some guy just did a one arm push up for his lady friend here. Before he did it she said “Won’t you be embarrassed,” but after he did it, she said “Wow, that was impressive.” But she said it without meaning, because here in Cupertino the only thing that is attractive to a woman is braces and high SAT scores. I was impressed though, and I wish I would have told him that.

Anyway, I am not sure I want to blog again but at the very least I would love to update my fans, followers, and anyone I might not have told yet about the changes in our life and explain why I stopped blogging. The reality is I was starting to run low on passion to continue this blog, and once some random kid sent me an email wishing death on my entire family and myself because of things I said about Glee, I started to reconsider if blogging was a useful outlet for myself, because I was genuinely concerned I could make someone so mad about things I wrote that they would feel the need to say those things to me. And so I would like to say I love Glee now, and anyone who doesn’t like Glee is just a Gleeter which is just a hater but said in a way only people who like Glee would say. But I now feel enough time has past to be able to reconnect, post again, and share important truths and information my fellow fans and readers have been yearning for these past few months.

So first things first. Melody and I no longer live in LA. We moved. And right now are enjoying the best week of our lives with the Tsangs while we look for a place to live, because we have no idea where we should live. Melody was working, then not working, now she’s working again at Apple and if you are guessing that is the reason we are moving again you would be correct. Which could mean I would have no job, but that would also be false, because Lord Willing I will be working in Palo Alto soon, meaning we will go from a two income household to one income and then back to two household again. Actually we are currently a two household income now. Anyway, moving on, we are in the Bay now, and I hope I get to work next to Craig, and if someone asks me if I am excited to be back, I will answer I am not sure because I like living everywhere, and I really miss my family and Crossview, so it will be TBD. Although I really hope we can make new friends, that is always exciting.

But please pray for us to find the best location to live.

Did we go on any vacations? Yes. We went to Palm Springs, Thailand, and a Coastal Cruise. I should hopefully post pictures of Thailand and Alcatraz soon, but the highlight was realizing I get better reception in Alcatraz than at work, and shaking hands of kids from a Thailand school because they thought I was David Beckham. And that is a true story. Later I had to apologize and say that I wasn’t actually David Beckham, but that everyone at home calls me Michael Scolfield.

I am most excited for Arrested Development to come out soon, for the emergence of EJ Manuel, and the prospects of immigration reform.

I want to write a sitcom called After School, based around high school students endeavors at the library. Think Community meets Big Bang Theory meets Laguna Beach. The backdrop is there for an Emmy winning series, I just need my big break.

I have begun to get really fat. I am worried I am gaining to much weight, so I am probably going to need to get on an exercise program to help maintain weight while still being able lift weights. I am openly asking my readers to find me a softball team I could be a part of as well. Just throwing it out there.

I had to switch to daily contact lenses because my eyes are too sensitive now. I had some great checkups for my teeth, still no cavities, and I have started using mouthwash more regularly which has been great for my gums.

I got over an addiction to YooHoo during this time. I went through a phase where I bought 12 packs from Walmart and was drinking them everyday. It wasn’t healthy, and I am glad I have overcome this. I do still drink them in moderation, but not out of a can anymore, only glass bottle. As I type this a girl is being yelled at for eating food in the library and being told she cannot put it away in her backpack but needs to throw it away or eat it outside. I don’t have much to add on that, but it is going into my sitcom and I felt really bad for her.

I cannot decide what was worse the Lakers season or the USC Trojans football season. I was really happy though about both.

I was able to win my first Fantasy baseball championship and defend my fantasy basketball crown, in what may have been the best fantasy calendar season of my adult life. I wish I could apply for a GM position with fantasy sports on my resume, maybe Michael Jordan would hire me so we could win some championships with the Bobcats.

I had some invention ideas and other things happen as well I cannot remember, but if I never blog again just know how great you are and put God first.



Houst-Lin – Lambsanity – Linsanity – YaoLin
July 18, 2012, 1:54 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

What a bummer that we are not going to be able to witness the Yao-Lin dynasty due to Yao retiring too soon. But after days or even weeks about thinking about resigning Jeremy Lin, the Knicks just felt Jeremy was too young, athletic, humble, driven, and too much of a fan favorite to be a good fit on the Knicks. The Knicks needed a point guard who was overweight, unmotivated or 40-years old. Maybe Mr. Lin just passed too much, stressed too much ball movement, and was just too good to be true for Knicks fans At any rate, watching Rockets summer league and the signing of maybe Asik, the signing of Lin, the potential trade for the Dwightmare has me pretty excited about the future of the Rox. I am only bummed we aren’t going to see the potential epic Summer League match-up of the Rockets and Warriors to see who the best team really is.

– Getting excited for Jared’s wedding in a few days. It will be my first time in the South, and going to South Carolina and Georgia is going to be an experience for sure. Melody on the other hand is scared out of her mind, and she should be…

– Sometimes I am not sure why Melody makes me look up reviews on Yelp for restaurants she wants to try. Why do I care how good a taco is or how well they makes gyros? I think Jack in the Box makes a good taco and I can eat at Daphne’s and leave happy, how bad does the food have to be for us not to enjoy it. And I think there should be disclaimers for the types of reviews Yelp allows its users to do. Because we have the “elites” ruining good places for us with their one star reviews just because they never had to do street parking in their lives before and there wasn’t a lemon in their water. From now on I just tell Melody the only thing I am checking for is the money signs next to the reviews, because if it has 2 money signs, we might have to go back to the drawing board to see where we can eat for the night.

– Mitt Romney should submit his tax returns. Not because I care, but so that I don’t have to wonder if he will ever submit his tax returns.

– Who cares if the USA’s clothing was made abroad for the opening night of the Olympics. We all know it doesn’t matter where it is conceived to be an American, but where it is born. Right???

– Saw a report we wasted $8 billion in Iraq… Just 8?

– I bought a Chick-Fil-A band from Chick-Fil-A. I am that cool.



Dear Costco
July 7, 2012, 1:02 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Costco decided to sell a product with bugs in it. It was salad. Here was our response on behalf of our client Tiffany Yang Kwong:

To Whom it may Concern,

My name is Taylor Erlbaum and I am writing this feedback to this company in order to express my extreme displeasure with a food product I purchased with a friend on June 22nd, 2012. On this day, we went to Costco to pick up some food for a party. One of the items we purchased was a green medley that was going to be used as our salad. When we returned home and opened the package, we found the salad to be littered with BUGS! GIANT BUGS!! Never have I ever experienced this before at any store, any market, and to say that myself and my friend Tiffany Yang who purchased the product are upset would be an understatement. We were so grossed out, so sickened, and so disappointed in a brand that we trust in Costco would sell products like this. One of the things we have come to expect from Costco has been great quality and great prices along with giant quantities. If we wanted less quality for similar prices we could just go to Pak n Save, Walmart, or the 99-cent stores across the street. My friend Tiffany, who was the member on the card who made the purchases wanted to go in and complain or write a letter, but I believe she was too mad, so I offered to do it for her. Not only do we feel a rebate is warranted here, but any sort of compensation to mitigate a ruined night would be the least we feel is fair. Now I know a company of Costco’s size might not have time to address a little problem like this or an upset customer base who only amounts to 2 people, but deep down we do believe this message could be heard and trust could be restored. Costco was always one of our favorite places to shop, eat lunch and hang out, but after this event, we aren’t even sure if we can renew our membership when that time comes.

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Taylor Erlbaum and Tiffany Yang




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